Life as a Creative with PTSD: How Many Panic Attacks are Too Many?
For the first time in public I’m exploring my journey of overcoming anxiety and trauma at 45, and my commitment to reclaiming my life and creative identity to support my charitable work.
It feels like I’ve lived several lifetimes already, and not through choice. My body is tired. My mind is overwhelmed. My heart is not just broken, but what’s left is severely damaged.
At the young age of 45, I‘ve experienced enough trauma, anxiety, brain scans and panic attacks to last anyone a lifetime.
I don’t want this anymore.
My body can’t take it anymore.
My glass is empty.
But I refuse to give up on a promise I made to someone I loved, and I won’t let my circumstances destroy me.
It’s time to regain control of my mind, health and body. It’s time to finally listen to the voice of the spirit in my subconscious…
‘Do the thing you’ve always wanted to do since you were a small child and don’t let anyone take that away from you again.’
—
That was me in November 2023.
My body felt like it was giving up as I was taken by ambulance to the hospital for the third time, shaking uncontrollably and experiencing bursts of energy in my heart, forcing me off my legs.
The first time this happened, I’d just finished giving a lecture on ‘the dangers of religious and cultural homophobia‘ at a university in the Midlands in 2019. Feeling nervous, but in control (or so I thought), I was caught by surprise at the end of my talk with an inability to speak and a worrying tightness in my chest area. I wasn’t in pain, but I was unable to say more than a few words every few minutes.
Several hours later I was lying on a hospital bed and being pushed at great speed to the operating theatre before it closed for the day.
The angiogram on my heart and the tests that followed thankfully revealed everything was ’normal’, at least from the medical team’s point of view.
For me it was anything but.
I was relieved that my heart was healthy, but now I was left with an open-ended diagnosis as to what caused this scary episode. To make things worse, the aftereffects from the surgery left me with heightened and sensitive anxiety so bad that I was unable to leave my home for a few days.
All evidence suggests this was an anxiety attack, more commonly known as a panic attack.
I’ve learnt that anxiety is the missing stage of grief.
#2
The second time I experienced an ‘anxiety attack’ was during a video call with a government agency during the COVID lockdown. I didn’t consciously feel ‘stressed’ at all in that moment. Without warning, the side of my face went numb, and I was unable to speak. I opened all the windows and took in some deep breaths of air until the experience subsided.
I returned to the video call where everyone patiently waited for me and called 111 for advice. A short while later an ambulance arrived. After passing some preliminary tests I was sent in a taxi to A&E for further investigation.
All the tests came back clear this time, as they had before. But the doctors still insisted on a round of MRI scans to ensure nothing had been missed.
I hoped that was going to be the last time.
In November 2023, as the anniversary of my father’s passing approached, I had just finished work for the day and was lying on the sofa watching a film. I was, at that time, quite overworked and feeling a little burnt out. I wasn’t feeling particularly ‘panicked’ at the moment, but the physical shell that holds me together decided it had finally had enough.
Along came the uncontrollable shakes and a racing rhythm in my heart. The symptoms were a bit different this time, so they caught me by surprise as I didn’t know how to interpret them.
A couple of hours later I was in the back of an ambulance being taken to A&E for further tests.
Too much work, not enough rest
After much reflection, I concluded an overambitious work schedule and the resulting lack of quality rest, mental quietness, and poor sleep were most likely the main culprits.
I made a decision on that day to completely re-think my relationship with anxiety, mental health and how I manage my time. To listen and take the evidence more seriously.
What causes anxiety?
I’ve learnt that anxiety is the missing stage of grief.
Heightened anxiety can be caused by PTSD and trauma.
Anxiety can be caused by worry.
Panic attacks can be caused by excessive or constant anxiety.
Anxiety works and is processed differently in each person.
Change
From now I would need to learn how to say “No”.
I would need to put into practice all of the things I had been learning about anxiety since 2019.
A stricter sleep hygiene routine.
Eating even more healthier.
More meditating.
More exercise.
Better work-life balance.
Improved time management, time blocking and protected time.
More ‘me’ time, and without feeling guilty.
No alcohol.
Doing more things that I want to do, rather than the things others want time to do.
This was no longer a drill, it was my new reality.
Unless I took charge of my life in this way, I the anxiety attacks were likely to get more intense and more frequent as my tolerance and threshold for anxiety continued to diminish over time.
Why subscribe to my Substack?
Subscribe to my Substack and you’ll be supporting my charitable work in the community. Not enough people talk about anxiety and panic attacks. By sharing my journey I hope it can help others to becoming the person they were born to be.
Each week I’ll be documenting my journey as I attempt to finally reclaim my life. I’ll be starting a new business doing what I’ve always wanted to do - publish a creative magazine, and become a successful portrait photographer in London.
I’ll share with you how I launched, and now lead a multi-award winning, trauma informed charity which helps hundreds of vulnerable individuals each year escape and recover from their abusive families.
I also be sharing many of the tools, processes and learnings that have helped me, and continue to help me, reclaim my life and identity. I’ve invested thousands of hours in therapy, counselling, and personal development books to help me become the best version of me.
After much experimentation I’ve discovered techniques that have helped me reduce my anxiety, rebuild my confidence and find new meaning and purpose in life.
The more I understand about me, the better I can understand others.
I’ll be honest with you wherever I can, so some of things I may share in future posts may be triggering to you and your journey. I apologise for this in advance.
I hope this to be creative process that you can also learn and benefit from.
Please subscribe and I’ll see you in my next post :)
With love,
Matt x