How a Single Moment Can Transform Your Life, Forever
If you’ve faced anxiety, panic attacks, or ambitions are limited by fears, you’re not alone. Join me as I find my creative escape from the tragedy that held me prisoner for a decade. Trigger warning.
‘In the spring of last year [2014], Matthew Ogston and Nazim Mahmood moved into their dream home. The apartment, on the top floor of a mansion block in north-west London, offered stunning panoramic views of London. Nazim was a doctor who ran three London clinics, Matthew a web designer.
The life Nazim enjoyed seemed a world away from the working-class traditional religious community in which he had been raised. It was that world – conservative and closed – that he had left behind for a new life. In their first week in the flat, the two men stood on the balcony as London glittered in front of them. Matthew looked at Nazim and said, “Darling, I think we’ve finally made it.” They both smiled. Four months later, Nazim jumped off the edge of that same balcony to his death. He was 34.’
- Sarfraz Manzoor, The Guardian (2015).
On November 3rd 2001, the same night a large terrorist bomb was left near Birmingham’s Gay Village, a moment happened, that may never have happened, and my life changed forever.
I was 23 and had recently ’come out’ to myself. In other words I had finally grew stronger than the prejudice and homophobia that existed in the community where I grew up. For years I had feared the deep down feelings that I might be gay. And when I finally realised I definitely wasn’t straight, I was petrified.
On that night I was sitting all alone in the romantically named “Naff Caff”, a cafe in one of the city’s most popular after hours nightclubs. Feeling rather sorry for myself I nursed an overcooked chicken burger. I was imagining something what life might be like to fall in love, get married and spend the rest of my life with someone.
And then that moment happened, and my life changed forever.
A sweet delicate voice from behind whispered into my ear -
”Excuse me, may I sit here please?”
That was the moment everything changed.
For in that moment he had arrived.
Naz had arrived.
After swapping names Naz shared with me he was from a conservative religious family who would never accept him for being born gay.
We quickly fell in love, madly and deeply. Within weeks our friends started calling us ‘the twins’ because we were so alike. Within a couple of months I left my family home so I could spend more time with Naz.
And less than six months after meeting we had eloped to Gretna Green, naively believing we could married just across the border in Scotland. (Note: at that time it was not legal for same-sex couples to get married or enter into civil partnerships).
At the age of 23 this was the first time I had ever felt alive and excited about life. I realised what being happy actually felt like. Little did I know that after nearly thirteen beautiful years together, and engaged to be married, everything would soon be cruelly taken away from both of us…
Why I’m Creating this Substack
I’m starting this Substack as a platform to help anyone who has experienced a life changing trauma and wants to reclaim or re-start their life in a creative field.
For nearly a decade I’ve led Naz and Matt Foundation, a multi-award winning charity founded in memory of Naz, working directly on the frontline supporting vulnerable LGBTQI+ individuals, and their parents. Many of whom are the victims and survivors of physical or emotional abuse.
After sensitively listening to, and learning from over 1,000 stories shared with me, I’m writing this for anyone who is a survivor of abuse. For someone whose life is being held back with debilitating anxiety. For someone who has been conditioned with limiting beliefs that are preventing them from becoming the person they were born to be.
In my darkest days when taking my own life felt like the perfect and only escape, I wish I had been able to speak or learn from others who had gone through something similar to me. To have received more empathy, and less sympathy.
I was in the privileged position to have a supportive soul and blood family. I recognise not everyone has this.
I want to be here for you.
Trauma and the ‘honour’ based abuse that followed completely destroyed my confidence and self-worth, took away the only future that I knew, and forcibly removed my entire creative identity. I no longer knew who I was, or why I should care about my personal life or future. My fifteen year career became pointless and I was forced to close down my award-winning tech startup.
For almost ten years I have been living in survival mode. Doing whatever I could to help others going through something similar, many of whom wanted to take their own life. But in doing this I have completely neglected myself, as Matt. A creative human being who also deserves to be content, and be happy.
I’ve been living a life designed and shaped by what happened to me, and ignoring nearly every aspect of who I am, and who I was before this needless tragedy happened. Before the love of my life was taken away from me.
I never want anyone else to experience the pain of what I have gone through.
I want you to know you are not alone.
Why subscribe?
Subscribe to my Substack and you’ll be supporting my work in the community, and encouraging me to open up in a way that I hope others will find helpful on their journey to becoming the person they were born to be.
Each week I’ll be documenting my journey as I attempt to finally reclaim my life. I’ll be starting a new business doing what I’ve always wanted to do - publish a creative magazine, and become a successful portrait photographer in London.
I’ll share with you how I launched, and now lead a multi-award winning, trauma informed charity which helps hundreds of vulnerable individuals each year escape and recover from their abusive families.
I also be sharing many of the tools, processes and learnings that have helped me, and continue to help me, reclaim my life and identity. I’ve invested thousands of hours in therapy, counselling, and personal development books to help me become the best version of me.
After much experimentation I’ve discovered techniques that have helped me reduce my anxiety, rebuild my confidence and find new meaning and purpose in life.
The more I understand about me, the better I can understand others.
I’ll be honest with you wherever I can, so some of things I may share in future posts may be triggering to you and your journey. I apologise for this in advance.
I hope this to be creative process that you can also learn and benefit from.
Please subscribe and I’ll see you in my next post :)
With love,
Matt x